Do you ever feel like giving up? Do you ever feel like you don’t have the strength to keep going? Do you ever feel like screaming; “I didn’t sign up for this”? Do you ever feel like the world is against you? Do you ever feel like there must be more to life than the painful existence you live in?
I’ve been knocked down so many times by my ill-health, and by the world around me, that sometimes I don’t have the strength to get back up. Sometimes I (temporarily) lose the fight.
I’m not suicidal, I don’t want my life to end, I still believe my life is worth living – I’m just struggling to see the point right now. I’m struggling to survive. I’m struggling to live. I’m struggling to smile. I’m struggling to find joy and purpose in my chronic life. To put it bluntly, I just can’t be arsed with life right now.
It’s not always easy to be positive
I try my best to be positive, I’m a born optimist. But sometimes I don’t have the energy or will to look on the bright side. I’ve had to fight so hard in my life and it’s bloody exhausting. I crave an easier existence. I want to live rather than just survive. But this is the hand I’ve been dealt, and I have no choice but to play it.
I know a lot of what I’m feeling is caused by my depression, and a lot is pure exhaustion – my overwhelming need to cry is a pretty good indicator of this. And I’m sure many of you sometimes feel this way too. But it doesn’t make it any easier to cope with.
I used to believe these episodes of despair were signs of weakness, and something I had to fight through. But now I see they are part of life, and part of my personality that needs to be accepted, not denied.
I just need a break
So, what should I do? Fight these feelings of despair, beat myself up about my negativity? Berate myself for not being emotionally strong enough to deal with life?
No, the old me would have done that. The new compassionate and forgiving me can see that I am strong, I just need to take a break. The new me understands I cannot be positive all the time. The new me knows I’m doing my best, and these feelings will pass.
At this time I am reminded of my self-care and self-love promises. Number 3 & 10 seem particularly relevant:
3. For the times when I’m overwhelmed with the need to cry;
Instead of chastising myself for being over-emotional or over-sensitive, I will allow myself to cry and feel these emotions, and acknowledge these feelings are what make me a compassionate human being.
10. For the days when I feel like a failure and I’m consumed by self-loathing;
I will do whatever it takes to survive the day. I will fight to see the many positive characteristics that I possess, and give myself the love, understanding and compassion I so freely give to others.
So I will allow myself to cry. Allow myself to feel. Allow myself to be angry. Allow myself to disconnect from the world for a while. Allow myself just to ‘be’. Allow myself to accept that right now I need to be extra gentle with my bruised self.
After all I’m not superhuman, none of us are.
I know my strength will return in time. I don’t have to be strong enough to fight right now, that can wait for another day.
Today, my own words comforted me
My writing has truly helped me understand and overcome many of the challenges I’ve faced, and at times like this I’m able to read back the kind, and sometimes insightful messages I’ve written. When I write I have always imagined I’m talking to my younger self, but today I can see I’m also talking to the future me, the depressed me. Today my own words have comforted me:
“All the problems you are facing, that seem insurmountable, don’t have to be solved right now. Just breathe
I know everything seems too much to handle, but for now, all you have to do is… Just breathe.
You fight so hard everyday, it’s time to give yourself a break and rest. Just breathe.
However desperate your life feels right now, things can and will get better. Just breathe.”
If you are also feeling like the world is too much to handle right now, please know its ok to get off for a while – the world will keep spinning without you. It’s ok to disconnect, it’s ok to rest, it’s ok not to be ok. Take care x
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This hit me hard –> “I’m not suicidal, I don’t want my life to end, I still believe my life is worth living – I’m just struggling to see the point right now.” Writing has definitely helped me too, but some days are bloody tough.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I try my best to be honest with my readers, even if the reality isn’t always positive. Some days are bloody tough. I’m glad you have your writing as well, I really had no idea it would help me so much before I started writing 18 months ago. Take care x
I really needed this right now. I’m in my 6th month of being bedridden and fighting off a terrible virus that’s getting me down really bad. It’s been hard to keep going and this helped me be okay with being down but know that it will get better. Thank you!
Yes, yes, yes!!! I am struggling right now. My husband doesn’t know it, but I am deeply depressed and feeling that life is going nowhere but downhill. I hate my lack of mobility… having to use a wheelchair….. being 276 pounds because I can’t stop eating to soothe myself. My poor husband has to push my fat butt around in that wheelchair, and he never, never complains. He is SO helpful, and so wonderful, and I’m so lucky to have him. I was alone for 11 years, so I am really appreciative of having a partner in my life now, but good heavens, I am getting tired of dealing with this. I better than some, but worse than others, and have given up on reading about my condition. When posts come up from my ME/CFS web group, I just pass them by now. I can’t be bothered to read the latest news. It’s always little crumbs of help, not any real help for us. It’s too much for my brain to process, too much information, and too much that turns into nothing. I’ve been at this since I was 19, and I’m 60 now. I’m tired.
I’m sorry to hear you you are struggling, this illness can be soul-distroying. But I am glad you have such a supportive husband – I have one of those too, I call him Mr Awesome. Take care x
Just breathe—very nice.
Jo you have it so right. My feelings have so often been just like those you describe. But, like you, I have learned to cry if I need to cry and to just breathe. My mantra is ‘tomorrow is another day’, so I let the feelings come knowing that tomorrow I could feel different again. Fighting against it all just prolongs the agony. Thank you for this great post.
This was absolutely perfect! It’s as if I was speaking these words myself. Well done!
Thank you