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Thoughts from within a Depressive Episode

I wrote this piece while I was experiencing a particular bad (for me) depressive episode. Thankfully it didn’t last long but I needed to write my thoughts down (somehow I found the motivation to do this) in an attempt to make sense of them. So I apologise in advance for how, well depressing, this post is, but I think it’s important to share these thoughts and experiences, it’s the only way we can break the stigma.

Up until now I have discussed anxiety a lot more than depression. It’s because anxiety is a constant companion, it’s always there. Not one minute goes by that I’m not anxious, just some days my anxiety levels are more manageable. I guess I’m so used to it being there, it has become my normal.

But depression is very different for me. Depression appears when I’m exhausted. It appears when I let my guard down. It appears when I least expect it and it comes on so suddenly and with such force that it scares me. I can be excited and happy one moment, and utterly miserable and desperate the next.

Depression takes the fun out of everything, even the activities you love and the people you love to spend time with. Everything feels very muted and dull. Depression is exhausting and all-consuming, it’s impossible to focus on anything else. Depression is isolating, you feel alone even when you are surrounded by friends. Well meaning friends and loved ones may do things to try to make you laugh or to cheer you up but the truth is, your depression is yours alone, it’s your burden to bear. I’m not saying other people can’t help you, I appreciate the attention and care others focus on me when I’m depressed, I need to know I am loved.

Depression is frustrating because often you have no idea why you are depressed. Depression makes me feel weak, pathetic, a failure, a burden. Depression makes me feel unloved and unlovable. It amplifies even the smallest problems to make them feel like they are impossible obstacles to overcome. Depression makes me angry, bitter and resentful. I have no patience with myself or others. I overreact – small things that wouldn’t normally bother me, feel catastrophic when I’m depressed – like it’s the end of the word. I’m short tempered and irritable. I lack any motivation which isn’t like me at all, in fact I’m quite the opposite normally. But when I’m depressed I just can’t be bothered.

It’s a cliche to say a dark cloud consumes you but that’s exactly what it feels like for me. A dark, heavy, black cloud of smoke that clings to every atom in my body – the cloud is so dense I feel like I can smell it on my skin. The dark cloud seeps into my mind and makes it impossible to think clearly, it warps my thoughts. I have an overwhelming need to cry, yet I don’t have the energy to cry. Even sobbing is too much of an effort – I just can’t be bothered.

I love to read but even that is to much of an effort when my depression hits, I don’t care about anything – I just can’t be bothered. I can lay for hours in the same position, lacking the motivation to move. Time passes unnoticed, events mean nothing. Everything moves in slow motion, I feel like the life has been drained from me. I become very self destructive when I’m depressed, I personally don’t care if I come to any harm. I don’t care if something bad happens, in fact, I welcome it. I seek out dangerous situations, I participate in destructive behaviours, I don’t care if I live or die.

Depression is like a parasite feeding off your insecurities. It eats you from within, it drains you. It steals your self worth and your confidence. It zaps every ounce of energy and motivation from you. It takes your life. My mind goes to some very dark places. I experience dark thoughts. Images flash into my mind – images of horrible things happening to myself and loved ones. It seeps into my dreams so I don’t even get a break when I’m sleeping.

I personally find depression worse than anxiety but I think it’s because I’m not as well equipped to deal with it. I’m not used to dealing with it 24/7, like I am anxiety. It’s also so far removed from the person I normally am. Depression turns me into a stranger, I don’t recognise myself. I don’t like myself when I’m depressed, I don’t like the person I become. I would like to get to a place where I can accept the person I am when I’m depressed, rather than be judgemental or critical, but I’m not in that place yet.

But depression does allow my body and mind to have the well needed rest that anxiety makes impossible. So I try not to fight it and and just accept the depression is going to be around for a while. It’s not a nice feeling but if it’s here to stay I might as well get the rest I desperately need.

I experience such extremes of emotions. My highs are very high but my lows are depressingly low. I can get excited like a child on Christmas day but in a second I can fall into deep despair. I’m always going to be an over emotional person but that’s not always a bad thing as I’m able to empathise with others. I am able to truly enjoy the happy times and I’m able to love deeply and unconditionally.

For me, anxiety and depression are opposites. With depression I feel very low. Everything feels very slowed down, including my thoughts and reactions to things. Everything feels very muted and dull.With anxiety, everything feels very heightened. My thoughts speed up and I experience everything at 100mph. My reactions to most things can be very extreme and I’m on edge and jittery – my whole body vibrates due to the adrenaline coursing through me.

But they are both just as debilitating. I am lucky in the fact that my depressive episodes are a lot less frequent now than they used to be. My depression is a lot milder and therefore easier to cope with than a lot of people I know. I admire anyone who has the strength and determination to continue to ‘live’ despite struggling with depression everyday. If you are one of those people, please don’t underestimate the achievements you have made just to survive. And never feel ashamed to tell your story. Take care x

Do you suffer from depression? What coping mechanisms do you have that help you to deal with your depression?

 

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Be proud of every step you take.

About 5 years ago I had a physical and mental breakdown. At the time I didn’t realise quite how ill I was, as I had a complete disconnect from reality. I was exhausted, my body was fighting back and I didn’t know how to cope with this mentally. My physical health (I have ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia) deteriorated to the point where even speaking caused palpitations and tremors.

The lead up to this breakdown was a particularly stressful time. I was battling anorexia, I was fighting an appeal after having my health benefits removed, my husband had just been made redundant and I was scared I was going to lose my home. I couldn’t understand why my body and mind were failing, I felt like they were betraying me and I didn’t know how to cope.

I was so exhausted that even when resting I had adrenaline coursing through my body, I was in constant fight or flight mode which caused even more exhaustion, made it impossible to rest and sleep, and also heightened my anxiety to a level I had never experienced in my life up until that point.

To try to understand what was happening to me, and in an attempt to ground myself in reality and save my sanity, I started writing a diary.

It’s been over 4 years since I wrote in my diary. I put it aside, too scared to reread what I had written, fearing my raw thoughts and feelings would trigger another breakdown. But I now feel strong enough to face these fears in an attempt to understand what caused such a catastrophic event in my life. What was my mindset? What were my fears? How did I rationalise it? How did I survive it? What will I unearth? What will I learn?

The following are some excerpts from my diary:

“The last 6 months have been horrendous. I didn’t realise how mentally and physically ill I had become. My body and mind, after years of stress, anxiety and abuse have given up on me. I’m just surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I’m coming to realise ’the signs’ have been around for years. All problems are linked to anxiety and control, ‘FEARS’ I am fearful of everything.”

“I know I have come a long way but the journey is far from travelled. I should have seen the signs three years ago.”

“Well, I’m learning a lot of very hard lessons about myself. Time to accept I’m currently losing my lifelong battle with anxiety. I need a chill pill, I need to lighten up.”

“Haven’t slept in days. My ME/CFS Is horrendous. Not surprising when sleep and rest are the most important things for recovery. I keep forgetting and confusing words, it’s quite comical really.”

“You are safe, You are calm” [I used to repeat this to myself over and over again when I felt like I was going to die, it was my mantra and the only thing that kept me alive.]

“I’ve got to get over the notion my body is trying to poison me. I’m lucky it’s working at all after what I’ve put it through.” [I had forgotten about this, but I think it was linked to my anorexia. Anytime I ate it aggravated my IBS and caused so much pain, I felt like my body was attacking me.]

“Just when I think I’ve got the hang of something my neurotic mind starts questioning it, it’s my anxiety causing everything.”

“I need to sleep but every time I close my eyes I see the demons.”

“I’m going stir crazy in the house, I need to escape.”

“I stayed comatosed all day trying to avoid a panic attack. Even the slightest movement causes dizziness and palpitations.”

“I didn’t realise how detached I’d become from my own body.”

“I haven’t written in a few days because I’ve been so weak, exhausted and depressed. I truly hit rock bottom. Every little improvement I make only makes me realise how ill I was in the first place and how far I’ve got to go.”

“The last 6 weeks have been the longest of my life. I have been in a daze, out of touch with reality. Sleep deprivation along with anxiety, exhaustion and pain drove me to hit rock bottom. Suicidal thoughts are uncontrollable, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to survive this.”

“I put too much pressure on myself. In my attempt to do ‘anything’ to make myself better, I have pushed myself to break, physically and mentally.”

“My muscles are burning but I keep shivering. I’m so scared I’ve done irreparable damage and this is what my life is going to be like from now on. I cannot contemplate the rest of my life in this torture”

“You f*cked up again!”

“I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with this pain. I need it to stop, I need a break, I would try anything at this point. Please make it stop.”

“I managed to stay calm enough to sleep after taking sedatives, diazepam and sleeping tablets. I know, not good, but I was desperate for a few hours peace.”

“It’s now 6am. I’ve been keeping calm and trying to sleep for the last 8 hours. All I’m achieving is getting more tired, shivery, panicky and frustrated.”

“I’m gonna take today as it comes, no expectations. I’m shattered so hopefully I can just rest and keep my anxiety at a minimum. I’ve given up on thinking I can tackle my anxiety on my own, that will come with medical treatment – just keep it at a manageable level.”

“If I can just stay calm and get some sleep tomorrow will be a better day”

“You’ve come so far, don’t be so hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can.”

“You ARE strong enough to survive this”

What comes across from these words and my handwriting, is how desperate and manic I was. I wrote pages and pages of rambling text, desperate to expel the constant barrage of thoughts from my head, hoping that if I wrote them down, my mind would give me a break. But the more I wrote, the more active my brain became. I was riddled with guilt and convinced it was my fault I had become so ill. I wish I could go back in time and give myself a big hug and say “You have done nothing wrong, it’s going to be ok”.

Even with the trauma I was going through, I am amazed at how positive I was still trying to be. I have always been an optimist but I don’t know how I found the strength to continue to fight through the pain, fatigue, insomnia, confusion and all the scary symptoms that came along with the breakdown.

I ultimately realised, that to get better I had to stop fighting. It was the accumulation of years of fighting my own body and mind that had lead to my breakdown. I now know the importance of rest, self care and reflection, but at the time resting seemed like giving up. Once I stopped fighting, the depression set in, but I will save that discussion for another day. I have come such a long way since those dark days and I often underestimate the achievements and positive steps I’ve made. I don’t give myself time to pause and reflect on the strength it took just to survive. I don’t give myself credit for the life challenges I have survived and continue to battle. I’m still very ill but I’ve come so far and I’m proud of myself for that.

So, from now on, I will take time out from each day to reflect on how bad my health was and how far I have come. It’s an important part of my recovery, which up until now I have neglected. I urge you to do the same. You may not be as far along on your journey as you want to be and there may be times when you take a few steps back, but please celebrate all your achievements, however small. You are doing the best you can. Take care x

“Don’t wait until you reach your goals to be proud of yourself, be proud of every step you take.”

 

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Millions Missing

Every year an event called Millions Missing takes place in Countries across the world to raise awareness of ME and to help make the invisible, visible. People with severe ME are often forgotten because we are hidden away in darkened rooms, too sick to leave the house. Each pair of shoes displayed represents one person who is ‘Missing’ from the world due to this debilitating illness.

Millions Missing is staged on International ME Awareness Day – the 12th May. I’m not well enough to attend myself but I will be sending a pair of my shoes with a description about my struggles with ME. Do you want to take part and help me raise awareness? There are many ways you can get involved.

https://www.facebook.com/MEActNet/

*If you or a loved one suffers from ME, send a pair of shoes, or take a pair to one of the events. Please include a tag with the following details: Write your name, how long you have been ill and what you’re missing.

If you live in the UK, please send them to:
Millions Missing. 9 Talbot Road, London. TW7 7HG

Please note the shoes cannot be returned so send an old pair you no longer want.

*Anyone who is not well enough to attend a Millions Missing protest and cannot send shoes is welcome to send a photo of your shoes and to share your story to the following link
https://www.facebook.com/events/157457248303755/?

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I hope you are able to help in some way. Take care x

#ajourneythroughthefog #chronicillness #MECFS #mentalhealthawareness#fibromyalgia #blog #anxiety #depression #millionsmissing #meaction #spoonie

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Depression: Coping when our loved ones are also ill

From the Blurt Foundation

Living with depression is incredibly difficult; not just for those of us who are unwell, but for our loved ones too. There’s not one area of our lives that depression doesn’t touch.

When a loved one has depression, we feel the effects of the illness on our relationships, and we often feel helpless, confused and uncertain. When we have depression, and have a loved one who also has depression, it can feel impossible to navigate. Depression can affect different people in different ways. It’s tough on our psyche to both simultaneously need support, and to want to do all that we can to give it – especially as there’s a shared understanding of the illness.

#ajourneythroughthefog #mentalhealthawareness #depression #blog#selfcare #mentalillness #anxiety #mentalhealthmatters #health

https://www.blurtitout.org/…/depression-coping-our-loved-o…/

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The doubts and fears are creeping in.

I’m very unsure of myself at the moment. Doubts are creeping in and I’m being over critical about everything I write and everything I post. When I’m like this I get so indecisive and I overthink everything.

Do I sound patronising? Does it sound preachy? Do I sound whiny? Does anyone even care? Why wasn’t that post popular? Why didn’t it get many likes?

I’ve had a lot of success very quickly with my blog but not everything I write is going to get a lot of attention. Not everyone is going to like all my posts, I write about a myriad of subjects which won’t be relatable to everyone. But my anxious brain isn’t always rational, and doesn’t always see this logic, and at the moment it’s taking over.

I think it’s important to challenge these voices, so I decided to write about it.

My blog is actually a selfish endeavour. Yes, I want to reach out and help others, but essentially I’m talking about myself in every post. It’s a platform to give myself a voice, to try to make sense of my life by writing about it. All I’m doing is writing about my own experiences and if other people can relate to them, and gain comfort from knowing they are not alone, then all the anxieties linked to my writing are worth it. But it’s actually quite scary to write about your innermost thoughts, fears and failings, and then publish them for the world to judge.

I’ve long since accepted that my anxiety is always going to be present, I just need to find a way to not let it take over. I was so fearful to start my blog because I was convinced people would judge me – What makes me qualified to discuss these topics?, Why would anyone listen to my thoughts and advice? What makes me so special? But the truth is – everyone has been so supportive and I’m truly grateful for that.

I’m also anxious that people will think I’m only writing this post in attempt to ‘fish for compliments’ but that’s not my motive. By writing about my fears I take away their power over me. By acknowledging my anxieties I hope I can somehow make sense of them.

If I let anxiety rule my life I wouldn’t have even started this blog, I wouldn’t have met all you lovely people and my thoughts, that are now written down, would still be churning around in my overactive mind. If I let my anxieties take over now I wouldn’t be able to write another word, and that would be very sad. So instead I need to try to look past my insecurities and look at the positive steps I have already taken.

When I started my blog I wrote: “I really don’t know the direction this blog is going to take and exactly what I’m going to talk about, but half the fun is not knowing and the prospect of the journey ahead.” My impulsiveness and excitement at the time didn’t leave room for my anxiety to barge through, somehow I need to find that strength and enthusiasm again.

My blog has given me purpose in my life, something I haven’t had for a long while and I’m not going to let anxiety steal that from me. So for now, all I can do is continue to be myself – continue writing about the subjects that interest me and that affect my everyday life. And hopefully along the way I can touch some of your lives too. Take care x

Do any of my fellow bloggers have any wise words they would like to impart? How do you overcome your anxieties and insecurities about your writing? And to all my followers; Do you have any subjects you would like me to talk about?

#ajourneythroughthefog #chronicillness #MECFS #mentalhealthawareness#fibromyalgia #blog #anxiety #depression #selfcare #love #overthinking#health

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The ME/CFS Community needs your help.

The reason I started writing about my experiences was to raise awareness of invisible illnesses like ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia, and to try to reach out to help others who are suffering like myself. I often feel I’m not doing enough to raise awareness, so today’s post is an attempt to rectify this. ME/CFS has the biggest detrimental affect on my life so I’m going to start there. Can you help me?

*What is ME/CFS?

Currently it is estimated that some 250,000 people in Britain are affected by ME/CFS. This figure is estimated to be 17 million worldwide. Yet there is still very little known about this illness and only minimal funding has been made available for research into causes and possible treatments. Patients are still commonly misdiagnosed or told the symptoms are all in their head. There is currently no cure and no universally effective treatment. Those treatments which have helped reduce particular symptoms in some people have unfortunately proved ineffective or even counterproductive in others.

http://www.meassociation.org.uk/about/what-is-mecfs/

*An ME/CFS Revolution

Since the release of the incredibly powerful film Unrest, I feel like a revolution is happening within the ME/CFS community. Our illness is finally being discussed in the mainstream media and we are finally being taken seriously. For years we have fought so hard to have a voice but we have gone unheard.

The ME/CFS community is a community of Fighters. We have had to shout (not literally) to be heard and to battle the stigma of not being believed, and to raise awareness, because if we didn’t do it we would be forgotten.

I have had to fight every step of the way. I had to fight to be taken seriously or just to be listened to by doctors. I had to fight to get a diagnosis. I had to fight to get treatment or access to the medication that could ease my pain. I had to fight to get the health benefits I need to live. I had to fight to get the adaptations and mobility aids I need to function.

I have to fight the stigma and the non believers who say it’s all in my head. I have to fight the pain, the exhaustion and the frustration. I have to fight to stay alive, to battle the often overwhelming despair at not knowing what my future holds. I have to fight when I’m at my most vulnerable and weak.

As a community we are stronger than even we realise. In the midst of despair we do not give up. We may be shut away in darkened rooms but, thanks to the internet, we keep fighting from our beds. We write blogs, books and poetry. We create documentaries and videos. We create art, compile petitions and organise demos. We organise fundraisers and support each other at every opportunity. I am so proud to be part of this community.

Will you fight with us?

But sometimes we don’t have the strength to fight. Is there any wonder that the suicide rate is higher with ME/CFS sufferers than the general population? We spend so much of our life fighting, there comes a time when we don’t have the strength to fight anymore.

What I’m asking all of you, the non ME/CFS community, is; Will you fight with us? Help us raise awareness. Watch and share the film Unrest (it’s now available on Netflix). Talk about ME/CFS at every opportunity. Join the MEActionUK Network. Ask how you can help. Get involved with the Millions Missing UK events which are occurring around the globe on the 12th of May. Help us raise funds to enable research into this debilitating condition and possible treatments. But most importantly, believe us and don’t give up on us. Thank you for taking the time to read this post. Take care.

Please share and help me raise awareness.

#ajourneythroughthefog #chronicillness #MECFS #mentalhealthawareness#fibromyalgia #blog #anxiety #depression #selfcare #love #meaction#missingmillions #unrest

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Coping with suicidal thoughts


If you are thinking about suicide, you are not alone. Many people have thoughts of suicide, for a number of reasons. Thoughts of suicide can be very scary. You probably feel hurt, confused, overwhelmed and hopeless about your future. You may feel sadness, grief, anger, guilt, shame, or emptiness. You may think that nothing can be done to change your situation. Your feelings may seem like they are just too much to handle right now. It is important to know that thinking about suicide does not mean that you will lose control or act on these thoughts. Having thoughts of suicide does not mean you are weak, or ‘crazy’. Many people think about suicide because they are looking for a way to escape the pain they are feeling.

What should you do if you are seriously thinking about suicide?

Even though your situation seems hopeless and you wonder if you can stand another minute of feeling this bad, there are ways to get through this and feel better. You don’t have to face this situation alone. Help is
available. Here are a few ideas that you can use right now.

Connect with others.
If you are worried that you may lose control or do something to hurt yourself, tell someone. Make sure you are around someone you trust. If you live alone, ask a friend or family member to stay with you. If you don’t know anyone or can’t reach friends or family members, call your local crisis line.

Keep your home safe by getting rid of ways to hurt yourself.
It is important to get rid of things that could be used to hurt or kill yourself, such as pills or razor blades If you are unable to do so, go to a place you can feel safe.

Develop a safety plan.
It is very helpful to have a written safety plan when you have thoughts of hurting yourself. Have a trusted family member, friend, or professional help you to complete this safety plan. Keep this plan somewhere you can see or find easily. Write down the steps you will take to keep yourself safe (see the following example). Follow the steps. If you follow these steps and still do not feel safe, call a crisis line, get yourself to a hospital A&E or call 999

Safety Plan.
If you have thoughts of hurting yourself, start at Step 1. Go through each step until you are safe.

Remember: Suicidal thoughts can be very strong. It may seem they will last forever. With support and time, these thoughts will usually pass. When they pass, you can put energy into sorting out problems that have contributed to you feeling so badly. The hopelessness you may feel now will not last forever. It is important to reach out for help and support. You can get through this difficult time. Since it can be hard to focus and think clearly when you feel suicidal, please copy this and put in places where you can easily use it, such as your purse, wallet or by the phone.

1. Do the following activities to calm/comfort myself: e.g. listening to music, reading, watching TV, chat to friends online, mindfulness meditation.

2. Remind myself of my reasons for living: See List of reasons to live (below)

3. Call a friend or family member:
Name: Phone:

4. Call a backup person if person above is not available:
Name: Phone:

5. Call your GP or mental health provider:
Name: Phone:

6. Call my local crisis line:
Phone:

7. Go somewhere I am safe:

8. Go to the A&E at the nearest hospital.

List of reasons to live.
When we are suicidal we often don’t think clearly. By focusing on the reasons we have to stay alive we can break the cycle of negative thoughts. At a time when I felt emotionally stronger, I compiled a list of reasons to live. I wrote them in a pretty notebook along with photos of loved ones and images to stimulate happier thoughts. I look at this notebook whenever I’m depressed and have suicidal thoughts.

Take further steps to decrease thoughts of suicide

Problem solve.
It is always helpful to think of ways other than suicide that you can solve your problems. Focus on what you can change and try not to stress about what you have no control over.

Make a list of all the problems you are dealing with in your life. Then make a list of all the solutions you can think of to those problems. Dealing with 1 or 2 small problems can help to put an end to immediate feelings of suicide. Once you are thinking more clearly, you can tackle other bigger problems.

Remember things that have helped in the past.
Many people have had thoughts of suicide before. Think of some of the things that helped you feel better when you faced the same types of problems in the past. Some examples are:

Reaching out to family and friends.
*Seeing a professional
*Going to a support group
*Following a safety plan
*Doing something you enjoy
*Not being alone
*Keeping a diary.

Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or professional.
It is important to speak to someone you trust about how you feel. Sometimes just talking about how you feel can help. It is important to be open about all of your thoughts. People often say they are relieved that they shared how they felt with someone. Talking can help you feel less alone.

Get treatment for mental health problems.
Seek professional help, depression and suicidal thoughts are a burden you cannot carry alone.

Take steps to decrease the chance that you will feel suicidal in the future

Get professional support.

Identify high risk triggers or situations.
Think about the situations or factors that increase your feelings of despair and thoughts of suicide. Work to avoid those situations.

Self-care.
Taking good care of yourself is important
to feel better. It is important to do the following:
• eat a healthy diet
• get some exercise every day
• get a good night’s sleep
• decrease or stop using alcohol or drugs, as these can make feelings of depression and suicide worse.

Follow through with prescribed medications.
If you take prescription medications, it is important to make sure you take them as your doctor directed. Speak to your doctor if you don’t feel like your medication is working.

Structure and routine.
Keep a regular routine as much as possible, even when your feelings seem out of control.

Do things you enjoy.
When you are feeling very low, do an activity you enjoy. You may find that very
few things bring you pleasure. Think of things you used to enjoy doing at times you didn’t feel so depressed or suicidal. Do these things, even if they don’t bring you enjoyment right now. Giving yourself
a break from suicide thoughts can help, even if it’s for a short time.

Think of personal goals.
Think of personal goals you have for yourself, or that you’ve had in the past. Giving yourself something to focus on distracts you from your negative thoughts but also gives you a sense of achievement and a reason to wake up in the morning.

If you are feeling suicidal or know someone that is, there are organisations that can help:

https://www.mind.org.uk/…/types-of-ment…/suicidal-feelings/…

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/#

#ajourneythroughthefog
#suicidalthoughts
#depression
#mentalhealthawareness #suicide #suicideprevention

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Suicide is not chosen

This is a very hard subject for me to talk about. It takes me back to some very dark days that, to be honest, I would rather forget. At numerous times in my life I have experienced suicidal thoughts but although these thoughts were very real, it wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I seriously thought about listening to them and following through with their demands.

For me, suicide has never been about wanting to die, it’s been about wanting the pain to stop. It’s about not having the energy and strength to continue. I’m a fighter. I’ve always been a fighter, I don’t know how else to survive the challenges life has thrown at me. But fighting is physically and mentally exhausting.

While researching this article I can across the following quote and it and perfectly describes how I feel when I’m suicidal:

‘Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain’

About 5 years ago, after a very long battle with my mental and physical health, I gave up fighting. My health deteriorated so much that I couldn’t see the point in continuing to live. I had fought the pain, exhaustion, anxiety, depression and a myriad of other symptoms, for so long, I had no fight left in me. All l thought about 24/7 was ‘How can I make this pain stop?’ My overactive brain churned this thought around for weeks trying to find a solution. I’m a problem solver, whatever life throws at me, I will find a solution. But there didn’t seem to be a solution or a way out of my hell this time.

My mind kept coming back to the same thought. ‘Please make the pain stop’ (physical and mental pain) and the only way I could fathom this happening was to commit suicide. I spent hours planning it. I started with googling ‘What’s the easiest way to commit suicide’ Thankfully for me, Google’s reply was ‘there isn’t one’. I thought back over all the film’s and TV programmes I’d watched that contained suicides, trying to remember the methods used. I thought about what I had at my disposal, it’s not like I could just pop to the shops and buy a gun. I tried to work out how many Tramadol it would take to cause a fatal overdose. I wasn’t sleeping at this time and as my husband worked long night shifts I had an unlimited amount of time to plan how I was going to end my life. I wasn’t thinking about the repercussions of this act, but who can blame me for being selfish and wanting to be at peace.

I was honest with my husband and my doctor’s about my thoughts. My husband hid my meds, and although I was promised help, I never received any treatment for my depression. The problem is, I’m intolerant to most meds, so antidepressants were not an option. I begged to be admitted to hospital, although I now know that would have been hell. I just didn’t trust myself to be alone. I wanted them to sedate me so I could get a moment’s rest from the pain and the constant barrage of negative thoughts. This was at a time when I was told there was no cure or effective treatment for my ME/CFS or Fibromyalgia, so desperation had set in.

I don’t think I ever actually wanted to die, I just couldn’t see any other option, and I couldn’t fight anymore.

Suicide is not the easy option, it is not the coward’s way out, it’s not a sign of weakness. Imagine being so desperate that killing yourself seems a more favourable option than living. A phrase I hate is ‘It was just a cry for help, it wasn’t a serious suicide attempt’ Well, help them then! Because the next time it could be for real. I’m just thankful there wasn’t an easy way to do it. If there had been a pill to take or a button to push, I wouldn’t be alive today.

So, how did I survive this period in my life? I was suicidal everyday for about 6 months. I can safely say it was the worst time I have ever experienced. But when I look back at how much I suffered, I realise how strong I was just to survive. I have written a separate post with tips on how to cope with Suicidal thoughts: https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1632902966828456&id=1506608209457933

For me, it was about distracting myself, practising mindfulness, focusing on reasons for living and trying not to stress about the future. I focused on accepting what I couldn’t change and taking steps to improve the areas in my life I could change.

With the love and support from my husband, family and friends, and my sheer stubborn determination, I got my fighting spirit back.

I’m living proof that things can and will get better. I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts for over 3 years. Remember night time is the hardest, so plan ahead. If you are feeling suicidal please know you are not alone. There are steps you can take to secure your safety and improve your mental health. Take care x

If you are feeling suicidal or know someone that is, there are organisations that can help:

https://www.mind.org.uk/…/types-of-ment…/suicidal-feelings/…

https://www.samaritans.org/

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/

#ajourneythroughthefog
#suicidalthoughts
#depression
#mentalhealthawarenes
#suicide #suicideprevention

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Understanding Depression – The Blurt Foundation

*From the Blurt Foundation*

There’s an awkward and painful shuffle that happens when we have depression; we crave connection yet we fear we’ll be a burden to those we care about, and so we withdraw from connections. Asking for help is hard too, as we’re not always sure what help we need. Rates of loneliness and isolation are increasing at a frightening rate; please know that when you reach out to reply to someone in the comments, it makes more of a difference than you might realise. Feeling heard and understood, and being on the receiving end of some kindness, can foster hope which is something that’s precious. 

Practical Ways To Support Someone With Depression

Practical Ways To Support Someone With Depression

Depression: Activities That Can Help Us To Feel Less Alone

Depression: Activities That Can Help Us Feel Less Alone

10 Lies Depression Tells Us

10 Lies Depression Tells Us

Dear Friend (Is It Still Okay To Call You That?)

Dear Friend (is it still okay to call you that?)

A Letter To The Friends Who Don’t Understand Mental Illness

A Letter to the Friends Who Don’t Understand Mental Illness